In this deeply personal journey, I invite you into the depths of my struggle with chronic pain and the tangled web of diet culture. A trip to Disney in 2015 became a turning point, where pain whispered incessantly and insecurities roared loudly. Little did I know, this would be the beginning of a four-year odyssey marked by disordered eating patterns and a relentless pursuit of an unattainable ideal. Immersed in workout programs and restrictive eating, I found myself ensnared in a cycle of self-criticism and physical strain. Yet, amidst the turmoil, glimmers of hope emerged. From investing in an empowering photoshoot to finding balance with a compassionate coach, I discovered the power of self-love and resilience. Join me as I recount the highs and lows of my journey, and offer a message of hope to all those navigating the tumultuous waters of body image and chronic pain.
Lost in the Abyss of Dieting
This picture from 2015 is me in Disney. I was in a lot of pain this whole trip. I have chronic pain due to a hypermobility disorder called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS). This is a disease that weakens the connective tissues in my body (tendons and ligaments). I have a SI band around my waist that I wore every day for over 6 months straight to literally give my SI joint the stability it needed. I could barely walk by the end of the day due to extreme hip pain. Every night in the hotel room I was icing myself, stretching and massaging various body parts. When I looked through the pictures after we got back I remember thinking, “I look huge. I really need to do something.” As a friend pointed out to me, I really don’t look “big” at all in this picture. I realize that now, but I didn’t then. I felt guilty about all the treats I ate throughout the trip and I felt like my eating and my lack of exercise needed to change.
And so began a turbulent journey marked by disordered eating patterns that persisted for nearly four years. It wasn’t a conscious decision to embark on a diet, yet the reality of restrictive eating slowly crept in, blurring the lines between nourishment and obsession. I immersed myself in various workout programs, including the rigorous 21 Day Fix container system and the demanding 80 Day Obsession.
I spent hours each week planning out meals for the whole week making sure I was eating the correct portions and to limit decision fatigue at meal and snack time. I spent 2-3 hours on Sundays preparing my food for the week so I could grab it and go. By this point I was neck deep in diet culture and I had NO IDEA! During 80 Day Obsession I lost weight, I lost inches, I lost ANY craving for junk food. I also tore an ab muscle that caused me pain for over a year and to this day I’m still dealing with occasional pain from this. Here’s the crazy thing. I didn’t stop working out. I barely rained it on any of the exercises. Overall I gained a lot of strength with this program. However, by the end I was the skinniest I’ve ever been in my life and I was down right scared! I didn’t want to go pants shopping AGAIN!
I gradually started eating “junk food” because, well, it tastes good. Weight and inches came back on. I also cut gluten for 6 months as I was pretty sure it had a negative impact on me. You would think so too if you read any part of Wheat Belly, which I did. I even did a Whole 30 trying to get to the root of my chronic fatigue issues. Whole 30 is the epitome of restrictive eating, however, its creators constantly say that it isn’t a diet or a sustainable way of eating long term. It’s extremely hard and I probably added foods back in too fast. When I added legumes back in I was no joke so exhausted I could barely function. I did read their book It Starts with Food and I found the book fascinating as they talk about how our body processes foods and how our food has changed. At the end of the day my fatigue is most likely from food and my EDS.
We sold our home in the summer of 2018, lived in an apartment for 5 months then moved into our new house. In all that chaos my nutrition took a back seat and I felt like I was eating “bad” again. I kept up with the workouts. I also tried the 2B Mindset nutrition program which I learned things from, but I also ate too much and felt sick more than once after a meal. At this point I had NO IDEA what food I wanted or how much to eat. I was fully reliant on meticulously planning and measuring my food.
The Power of Self-Investment
By 2019 I was working out regularly 4-6 times a week and had multiple accountability partners related to food and nutrition. This picture from January is me standing in a power pose following a workout. Check out Amy Cuddy talk about the Power Pose. She discusses how power posing can have a positive impact on us. By this point I was hiding behind the camera a lot, I hated how I looked in any pictures taken of me and I really wanted beautiful pictures taken of myself. I was lucky enough to find photographer Nikki Closser who lives in Seattle, WA AND she has a studio in MI! She was trained by another photographer, Sue Bryce, that I’ve admired for years. Through posing Sue is able to create these magnificent pictures of women using natural light. I contacted Nikki and booked a session. I was ready to invest in myself. I was able to get my hair and makeup done while Nikki looked through my outfits. I then stepped in front of the camera and it was the most empowering experience of my life. I felt strong, powerful, beautiful and badass. I felt like a model. After the session when I got my pictures I was blown away by how amazing I looked. When I shared my pictures I couldn’t believe the response I got. My confidence soared. I knew then that more women need to experience what I did. As a result, SB Photography was born.
Breaking Free from the Scale
At this point in my life I no longer looked at the scale, actually mine broke and I had no intention of fixing it. That number on the scale does not define my value or worth. It’s a data point and says NOTHING about my overall health and wellbeing. I no longer ate restrictively. I learned about and started practicing intuitive eating. I also read Susan Hyatt’s book, Bare: A 7-Week Program to Transform Your Body, Get More Energy, Feel Amazing, and Become the Bravest, Most Unstoppable Version of You. It was a game changer! I then started on a med for my chronic pain that made me gain weight.
Rediscovering Strength
In 2020 COVID happened and I just stopped working out. I started having back pain that restricted my movement for multiple days in a row. I have all my methods for dealing with the pain, but I was struggling to get back into working out. I was starting to dislike looking in the mirror. Near the end of 2020 I joined Jen Monroe’s program, Rise Up A Whole Body Experience. Her program really helped me to change my mindset around my body, work through self limiting beliefs and explore new ways to move and to think about nutrition. It was a journey that helped me get my head back into a more positive space. I felt comfortable in my skin and while I noticed my body gaining weight I wasn’t really bothered by it. I have a body, bodies look like that. It’s fine.
In 2021 and 2022 I still wasn’t working out with any regularity. I knew I needed to, but it felt like a chore and I honestly didn’t want to do it. I knew in the back of my mind that the stronger I am the less pain I have. I knew all the benefits of working out, but I was so exhausted all the time. My nutrition wasn’t terrible by any means, but was lacking. I started feeling like I really should get back into working out and do something with my eating, but honestly I was terrified to go back to where I had been. At this point I was also having daily heart burn that was terrible. I was snoring worse and I continued to have A LOT of back pain. At this time I also worked to transition off the med that made me gain weight. I was having many side effects that I could no longer stand. It took me almost 2 years to fully get off of it.
The Path to Balance
2023 rolled around and I was referred to Jillian of JD Flex Fit. I was told that she was not about restrictive dieting and encourages clients to eat what they want. I did a call with her and I knew she could help me. She told me if I want chocolate every day, that’s fine. Just put it in my plan. She also recommends eating 80% whole foods each day. The first thing I did was track what I ate for two weeks. She then calculated my macros. I learned right away that I was under eating by about 700 calories a day. She said that is normal. She encouraged me to weigh myself multiple times a week. I was NOT happy with this recommendation. My weight doesn’t say anything about my health. She did help me to see that this is merely a data point and says nothing about me as a person. I then started tracking macros. At first it was HARD. It took me hours to get everything right. The crazy thing? I started eating more and LOSING weight! Jillian told me that women OFTEN under eat. She also wrote me workout programs tailored to my needs. I was dealing with foot pain that restricted my movement. That along with my unstable SI joint prevented me from doing many weight lifting routines. Jillian recommended I do 20 minutes 3 times a week of steady state cardio and that I weight lift 3 times a week. Jillian also gave me the accountability I needed to stay on track. I steadily lost weight even when I had foot surgery in May 2023 and couldn’t workout. Most of the weight I lost was eating at my maintenance macros. I didn’t even do a cut in my macros until the end of August and that only lasted until Thanksgiving.
Embracing Imperfection
In 2024 I started transitioning away from tracking macros by weighing my food. I tracked less and less and maintained my workouts. I feel stronger than I have in a long time and I love that I can eat what I want (within reason of course). I NEVER felt like I was dieting while working with Jillian. I know I don’t have to track my macros, but I can come back to it if I see the scale creep up or my waist measurement increase. One thing I have noticed is the amount of people that tell me I look good as I’ve been losing weight over the last year. While it makes me feel good, I also am struck my the thought, “I didn’t look good before?” I know thin doesn’t mean healthy, but society is not of the same mindset. Why do so many people feel the need to comment on others’ bodies? Through years of struggle and growth, I’ve come to embrace the imperfections that make me uniquely me. My body may not fit society’s narrow standards of beauty, but it carries me through each day with strength and resilience. And that’s worth celebrating.
A Message of Hope
To all the women struggling with body image and chronic pain, know that you are not alone. Your worth is not defined by the size of your clothes or the number on a scale. Embrace your journey, celebrate your victories, and above all, love yourself fiercely. You are worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness – just as you are. If you’re not where I am yet, that’s okay. I’m here to support you on your journey to self-compassion and healing. I’d love to chat about a session. I offer more than just boudoir! I also have a free confidence guide that will show you all the practices I’ve used over the years to see myself through a lens of love. Check it out by signing up for my email list on my website! I hope you will connect with me in my private FB community of supportive women!